F is for Forgotten

In honor of this upcoming Christmas Season i give you....

Macauley Culkin handled his situation with remarkable aplomb in Home Alone, but that was just a movie.  Truth is, in real life none of us ever wants to feel forgotten.  After all, to be forgotten means that we never had any impact.  That the things we worked and sacrificed for weren't important or lasting.  That what we did didn't matter.


That we didn't matter.


So it is that one of the most difficult things i've had to face in this journey of recovery has been that feeling of being forgotten.  Being fired from my job and cast out of my church was a very difficult and painful experience.  And i've certainly spent a few nights crying into my proverbial beer over that.  But being completely ignored by everyone in leadership as well as most of the congregants after my departure has left a much deeper wound.

Perhaps the deepest wound of all has come from the Mog himself.  It is difficult to feel forgotten by someone with whom you thought you had a close relationship.  It is perhaps more difficult to deal with being willfully forgotten by that person.  It's not just that there has been no attempt at contact or communication.  It's not just that your memory is being allowed to fade.  

It's that you are being erased.

Of course the reason the Narcisisstic Mog finds it so easy to erase me from his memory is that to him this isn't personal.  After all, i was never really a person anyway.  I was just a tool to be used so long as it suited his desires and once my apparent usefulness had ended i was a waste of time and energy that was best thrown away; best forgotten.  In fact i'm quite certain that if i were to engage the Mog in a conversation regarding this, he would likely find my attitude quite inexplicable.

[yeah, this is a pretty accurate portrayal honestly]

Recently it occurred to me that perhaps the Mog had one final inadvertent lesson to give me.  While it is difficult to give the man credit for teaching me anything [really difficult], i do think there is a useful and powerful lesson for me to gain from all this.

The Mog knows that people that he is finished using are best removed from memory; best left in the past.  After all, what use are they to him anyway?  All they really stand to do is get in the way of where he wants to go.  They're nothing but dead weight.

Yes, sometimes some people are best left in the past and forgotten.  The Mog has certainly made it clear he has forgotten me.

Perhaps it's time for me to return the favor.

F is for Feels

I cannot begin to explain how much I have NOT wanted to write this post.  Nothing says Me Me Me more than someone who has been spiritually abused whining about how it made them feeeel…  Ugh.  

The problem is that if we ignore the pain inflicted in service to the Kingdom of Mog we simply empower Mogs to keep on abusing others and causing more pain.  And since that pain inevitably leads to talented committed Christians withdrawing from the work of the Church, the ultimate loss to the Kingdom of God cannot be overstated.  So, with much trepidation I find myself setting out to tell you how I feeeel….

There is literally no one more skilled at finding and exploiting emotional weakness than a Narcissistic Mog.  And my Mog was particularly skilled at finding and exploiting weakness.  In my case, he zeroed in on my artistic temperament and it’s inherent insecurity.  And there is no artistic pursuit better suited to implanting insecurity than singing.

And so the Mog never missed an opportunity to judge my singing as inadequate.  One of his favorite techniques was to say that a particular part of a song “wasn’t working” without giving any particular explanation of why or what I should do about it, thereby introducing insecurity and fear without the possibility of resolution.  These attacks were relentless.  Even when he gave praise it was backhanded.  “You actually sounded pretty good on that song”.  In one specific case he actually pulled me from singing a song 10 minutes before a service began.  “That sounds horrible.  What were you thinking?”  The end result of this relentless assault has been that I am now terrified to do in public something that I formerly took great joy in.  

Now is it a calamity that Brian doesn’t want to sing for people?  Obviously no.  I’m not that big a deal.  But it's not about singing.  It's about finding someone's weakness and then exploiting it for all it's worth.  The genius of this approach is illustrated perfectly in the quote above.  "What were you thinking?"  Once the Mog had convinced me that my ability to self analyze was compromised he owned me.  From there it's a short trip to me questioning my leadership decisions, my life decisions, and even my ability to think rationally at all.

Now after several years of this indoctrination i am fired and then rejected by my church "family" without ever even being given a reason.  It's not hard to see how i would inevitably fill in the blanks with self blame and self loathing.  And while my logical intellect rejects such things, my emotional self has absorbed it's lesson well.  I can't trust my intellect.  I can't trust my own self-analysis.

And so here i am.  It's been a year and half since i was cast out of the Kingdom of Mog.  And i still feel all the feelings that the Mog worked so hard to implant in me.  Self loathing.  Inadequacy.  Uselessness.  And a complete lack of confidence in my own ability to see and understand reality.  Sure, i talk a good game around other people.  But deep down that's where i am.

Don't worry.  I’m not that fragile.  And I will recover.  At least to some degree.  Eventually.  But what a waste.  What an unnecessary exercise. And while the loss of myself in all this is stupid and tragic, the knowledge that I am one of VERY many in just my local community is devastating. 

So many have lost so much.  And all in the service to the Kingdom of Mog.  

And i'm sorry, but that feels really shitty....

F is for Fear

All Covert Narcissistic Mogs share a common problem.  Once their church grows past about 100 people, they need other people around them to carry out their will and expand their power.  Unfortunately, people close to them invariably see at least glimpses of who they really are.  And so all successful Mogs also share a common skill.  They are all Master Manipulators.  And there is no better weapon in the Master Manipulator's toolbox than fear.

But there's a fine line between Fear and Terror, and terrorized people eventually flee.  No, to succeed he must instill just the right amount of fear.

There are several ways to go about abusing people with just the right amount of fear.  One way is what i call the Long Leash Yanking Method.  The trick is to show approval and encouragement at first. ["As usual, this Sunday's service was wonderful, Brian.  You're doing an amazing job! ]  This can go on for some time and then, when the target becomes comfortable, simply yank back the chain abruptly. ["This Sunday's service was atrocious! What were you thinking?  I went home and was physically ill thinking about how we had subjected the people in the congregation to such a painful experience!"] It's even more effective when the yank comes without warning and at seemingly random times.  Now any dog trainer will tell you this is a pretty poor way to train a dog.  It rarely succeeds in instilling actual obedience.  But take it from someone who endured this technique from my Mog many times, it certainly does succeed in instilling fear.

Public ridicule is another very effective "Leash Yanking" technique..  I remember well a staff meeting where a staff member shared a decision she had made regarding the vendor for our church's cleaning supplies [yeah, life and death stuff here].  Well, this staff member had taken the ill-considered liberty of making this vitally important decision without first consulting the Mog.  Oh, the Humanity!  And so the Mog proceeded to give that staff member a severe dressing down in front of the whole staff.  "What were you thinking?"  "How could you have made such a stupid decision?"  and "Don't EVER make such a decision in the future without consulting me first!"  The rant went on for at least ten minutes during which time everyone got the message Loud and Clear.  We were free to make our own decisions so long as we NEVER chose to do anything differently than The Mog Way.

Another favorite tactic for instilling just the right amount of fear  was the Veiled Threat.  This took a rather insidious form during many staff meetings as the Mog and several of his closest Mogettes would recount stories from the old days.  These invariably included stories of the departure of former staff members.  One story that got recounted many times involved firing a 'disloyal' senior staff member while he was on vacation so that he returned to find his desk cleaned out and his belongings in a box in the hall.

No notice.  No warning.  Nothing.

Mog and The Mogettes thought the story was hilarious.  The rest of the us did not. The implication was clear.  You may think your job is safe and everything is great, but one misstep and you could be next. In fact, i actually confronted the Mog about this very thing and told him how his regaling everyone with that story made me feel as though i was going to come in some Monday morning to find my desk cleaned out and my job gone.  He assured me that my fears were completely unfounded and ludicrous.  Within three months of that conversation i came in on a Monday morning and was told that that was my last day.

No notice.  No Warning.  Nothing.

I cleaned out my own desk.

F is for Family

When i was working at the local 'Church of the Mog', every Christmas season the church staff would gather for a Christmas party and a time of reflection on the year that had passed and the year ahead.   During this time someone invariably would remark how they felt like our church staff was like a Family and many heads would nod in agreement.  Obviously we weren't blood related, but we were all there for the same reason; to 'help people reach their full redemptive potential in Christ' .  This created a bond between us that was in many ways stronger than a 'blood related' family.

It's only recently that i've grown to discover there are actually two kinds of Non-biological Families:

The first is a group united around a Common Goal.  In general, the members of this family are self-selecting; that is they choose to join this family.  They belong to this family because they have chosen to pursue the shared goals of that group and they will continue to belong as long as they wish.  For example, a member of an Army platoon will remain a member of that platoon even after he has left the service.  I like to call this family type the Foxhole Family.

The second is a group united around a Common Leader.  This members of this family are generally NOT self-selecting.  While someone may desire to become a member of this family, they do not become members until they have been chosen by the leader.  And they only continue to be members of this family so long as their loyalty to the leader remains.  The movie 'The Godfather' illustrates this type of family quite well.  If you're loyal to The Don, you're in the Family forever.  But if the Don questions your loyalty, you can be 'removed' from the family [to put it nicely].  I call this family type the Mafia Family.

When i first went to work at the church, i thought i had chosen to join a 'Foxhole Family'.  I thought i had enlisted in the mission of bringing Jesus to the world.  But i was wrong.  I had been recruited to join a 'Mafia Family'.  I had become a 'made man' in the Mog's Family.  And i never even knew it.

The Truth of what kind of family i joined has come into clear focus in the year following the Mog's decision to remove me from his Mafia Family.  As a result of his decision i lost my job, my vocation, and my entire community.   In short i lost nearly everything i was living for.  It was also no secret that i was a recovering addict with a history of clinical depression.  This is an obvious recipe for disaster.  And yet in the last year the entire staff [including most notably the "Care" Pastor] has basically completely ignored me*.  Much like the Mafia Family from 'The Godfather' i have 'become dead to them'.  The reason for this is obvious.   The Don [Mog] has spoken.  And only a fool goes against the wishes of the Mog...

I had thought that this Family i had joined was a Foxhole Family united in a common goal; serving Jesus and building Christlike character.  And what better way to illustrate Christlike character than to reach out in love to a suffering co-laborer in Christ.  Instead it would seem that this Mafia Family is simply united around a common Mog.  Tragically, from their actions in this matter i can only conclude that this Mafia Family is more concerned with following the Mog than they are with following Jesus.  Even more tragically, i doubt most of them even realize it...

*i did receive one very kind note from a staff member.  i would name her here, but sadly i'm afraid of what repercussions she might face as a result.