F is for Focus

It was about ten years ago.  I was living in a one room apartment over an old plantation house in Maryland.  My life was a mess.  Years of substance abuse and chaotic living had left me alone and feeling empty.  I knew my life lacked focus.  I knew something was missing.  I just wasn't sure what it was.

It was another ‘Come to Our Church! We’re Different and We’ll Change Your Life!’ sign stuck in the median on a Sunday Morning.  I had grown up in church but i hadn’t been anywhere regularly in years.  The thought occurred to me that maybe i should change that.  Couldn’t hurt.  Might help.

And so it was that several weeks later, on my way home from my ‘first choice’ church i decided to stop by another church i had planned to check out at some point.  The elementary school cafeteria didn’t impress much, but the standing room only crowd certainly did.  There was something going on here.  I was intrigued.  The Kansas cover as special music sealed it.  This was a place i had to learn more about.

And so i did learn more.  And there was a lot to like.  Solid music program, Dynamic teaching, and Truth balanced with a spirit of Grace in a way that i had not ever experienced before.  Exactly the kind of place that a messed up guy like me needed.

And so it was that even as a still struggling addict and alcoholic i found himself attending my ‘second choice’ church regularly, and even playing in the band.  And i quickly found myself becoming an integral member of the most amazing community of people i've ever known.

Over the next several years i gradually progressed from a band member, through a part-time staff member, to eventually being named the full-time Creative Arts Director of the church, a job i had dreamed of having since i was teenager.  And it was, without a doubt, the best job i have ever had in my life.

It would be easy to dismiss the things i write here as the work of a disgruntled ex-church worker who just wants to toss grenades over his shoulder on his way out the door.  The reality is just the opposite.  I LOVE my church.  This church literally helped save my life.  I loved serving it’s people, my music and tech teams, and my fellow staff members.

No, my purpose in sharing my experiences is not to destroy this church, it’s to build up The Church.  Too many Mogs have gotten away with far too much spiritual abuse.  Too many victims have remained silent for fear of ‘creating division within the Kingdom’.  Too many people have been bullied or shamed into silence, or been mesmerized by the Reality Distortion Field.

I’m aware that mine is just one small voice ‘crying in the wilderness’.  I’m aware that i’m not likely to right the wrongs of this church, or the Evangelical Church with my tiny little blog.  Throwing back a few stranded starfish on a beach covered with them might not 'make a difference' in the grand scheme of things.  But it just might save a few...

F is for Field

F is for Field.  As in 'Reality Distortion Field'.

That's what the folks who worked with Steve Jobs in the early days of Apple called the bizarre force of nature that was Jobs' persuasive ability.  There would be a handful of engineers slaving away on a project that they knew without a doubt would take them at least six weeks to complete.  These were experienced and brilliant men.  Their projections were informed and accurate.  And yet Jobs would happen by their workplace and proclaim that they would be done in eight days.  And suddenly, to a man, they would 'know' that it would be completed in eight days.

And the strangest part of all is that it would actually be completed in eight days.

Steve Jobs was a lot of things.  An inventor, an innovator, an admittedly Not Very Nice Guy.

He was also a Mog.

So just what is a Mog?  Well, in my previous post you may recall i used the longer phrase, 'Man of god'.  Steve Jobs was a Man of god?  Well, the capitalization is no accident.  In this rendering Man becomes the focus,  god becomes secondary.  In Steve Jobs' case the god he followed after was likely none other than Jobs himself.  In point of fact, the god that the Mog is following after is almost always none other than the Man himself.

Few pastors start out as Mogs.  But a surprising number of them seem to end up there.

Mark Driscoll may have begun as a moG.  But he clearly ended up as a Mog.

Now i don't know much about Mark Driscoll or his church, but i do know that everything i've read about the rise and fall of his ministry sounds very familiar to me.  In fact, i think the only real difference between Mark 'The Mog' Driscoll and the Mog i worked for is that Mark Driscoll is considerably more talented at what he does.  Otherwise, the Arrogance, the Emotional Abuse, the Ministry exalted above the Ministered To?  Yes, it is all Very Familiar to me.

And yet Mogs often seem very successful at ministry.  How can this be?

Well, the one thing that all Mogs seem to have in common is a mastery of the wonder that is the Reality Distortion Field [let's call it RDF since we're shortening things].  It surrounds the successful Mog, drawing everyone into it's alluring aura.  Staff, Church Attenders, Family Members, and eventually even the Mog himself.  I once was told by a senior staff pastor who had known our Mog for many years that his only real gifting was 'his overwhelming ability to persuade'.  Not Shepherding.  Not Discernment and Wisdom.  Nope.  Just the gift of the RDF.

So, Mog has no College or Biblical education?  No problem.  Apply RDF.  Mog is on his third wife but still preaching about 'biblical relationships'?  No worries.  RDF.  Mog's salary is well over twice the median income of his community?  More RDF.  Mog operates autocratically with little to no accountability?  RDF.

Mog fires skilled and highly productive staff members without warning or explanation?

Whatever.  Plenty of RDF left to go around...

F is for Fired

"i'm sorry to tell you this, but today is your last day working here..."

I'm sure many who read this have heard those words, or some version of them, before.  Perhaps many times.  This wasn't the first time i've felt that tightening in the pit of my stomach and i realized that things were going to Be Different now, whether i liked it or not.

But this was a Very Different different.

These words were spoken by the same person who had called me just weeks before to apologize for how our earlier meeting had gone, saying that he "didn't want me to be worried about my job or anything".  The same voice that told me he "didn't see any reason why two Godly men couldn't figure out a way to work together".

I admit, it had been Difficult working for this 'Man of god' over the last few years.  We had certainly had our share of disagreements, and earlier that very day had been another of those times.  But his words filled me with hope.  I sent him an email that very night thanking him for his apology and promising to pray for him daily and for us as we worked toward a new future together.  He replied immediately saying he was touched by my words.  Things were moving in a great direction.  I just knew that with us working toward our common goals, it was going to be a Great Year for our Church.

Several weeks passed and we were never able to revisit our conversations, but i saw no reason for concern.  Ministry is a busy occupation.  These things happen.  I was buried in a new Tech Upgrade for the church.  He was occupied with 'other things'.  [It was only later that i came to know that those 'other things' were lining up my replacements in advance of firing me.]

And then i got the call to come into his office on that Monday, and i just knew something was Not Good...

"Do you have any questions?" he said.

"well, yes i do but it's not really going to make any difference is it?"

"no", he said, "It won't".

The rest of the meeting was mostly him telling me how much better it was to do this suddenly without me knowing about it ahead of time; how i didn't understand it today but it was easier this way.  It's been 365 todays.  I still don't understand.

He also told me repeatedly how difficult the last few weeks had been for him while he kept this from me; as if me knowing his discomfort was ending would somehow make my next several months of pain and uncertainty easier to bear.

He never actually told me why i was fired.  I never asked.  I knew it really didn't matter.

Paperwork.  Legal Stuff.  Various blurry details.

And it was done.  I had given my life to this church, to this man's ministry, and now it was over.  i was cast out.  The man who had told me so many times before that he was "For" me was done with me.  No explanation.  Just a weak "i'm sorry" lobbed at my back as i walked out of his office.

The rest of that day was mostly spent gathering all my personal belongings from the building while trying not to notice that the entire church staff was avoiding me.

And then two days of enforced silence wherein i was forbidden to share my situation so that He could be The One to tell My teams what had happened...  So that He could explain to everyone what a Good Thing this was going to be and how Good and Fair and Generous he had been to me.

Which they didn't believe.  Since they knew me.  And they also knew this 'Man of god'.  And since it was, of course, a Complete and Total Lie.

The story continued of course.  But that's enough for today.