I cannot begin to explain how much I have NOT wanted to
write this post. Nothing says Me Me Me
more than someone who has been spiritually abused whining about how
it made them feeeel… Ugh.
The problem is that if we ignore the pain inflicted in service to the Kingdom of Mog we simply empower Mogs to keep on abusing others and causing more
pain. And since that pain inevitably
leads to talented committed Christians withdrawing from the work of the Church,
the ultimate loss to the Kingdom of God cannot be overstated. So, with much trepidation I find myself
setting out to tell you how I feeeel….
There is literally no one more skilled at finding and
exploiting emotional weakness than a Narcissistic Mog. And my Mog was particularly skilled at
finding and exploiting weakness. In my
case, he zeroed in on my artistic temperament and it’s inherent
insecurity. And there is no artistic pursuit better suited to implanting insecurity than singing.
And so the Mog never missed an opportunity to judge my singing as inadequate. One of his favorite techniques was to say
that a particular part of a song “wasn’t working” without giving any particular
explanation of why or what I should do about it, thereby introducing insecurity
and fear without the possibility of resolution. These attacks were relentless. Even when he gave praise it was backhanded. “You actually sounded pretty good on that song”. In one specific case he actually pulled me from singing a song 10
minutes before a service began. “That
sounds horrible. What were you
thinking?” The end result of this relentless
assault has been that I am now terrified to do in public something that I
formerly took great joy in.
Now is it a calamity that Brian doesn’t want to sing for
people? Obviously no. I’m not that big a deal. But it's not about singing. It's about finding someone's weakness and then exploiting it for all it's worth. The genius of this approach is illustrated perfectly in the quote above. "What were you thinking?" Once the Mog had convinced me that my ability to self analyze was compromised he owned me. From there it's a short trip to me questioning my leadership decisions, my life decisions, and even my ability to think rationally at all.
Now after several years of this indoctrination i am fired and then rejected by my church "family" without ever even being given a reason. It's not hard to see how i would inevitably fill in the blanks with self blame and self loathing. And while my logical intellect rejects such things, my emotional self has absorbed it's lesson well. I can't trust my intellect. I can't trust my own self-analysis.
And so here i am. It's been a year and half since i was cast out of the Kingdom of Mog. And i still feel all the feelings that the Mog worked so hard to implant in me. Self loathing. Inadequacy. Uselessness. And a complete lack of confidence in my own ability to see and understand reality. Sure, i talk a good game around other people. But deep down that's where i am.
Don't worry. I’m not that fragile.
And I will recover. At least to
some degree. Eventually. But what a waste. What an unnecessary exercise. And while the
loss of myself in all this is stupid and tragic, the knowledge that I am one of
VERY many in just my local community is devastating.
So many have lost so much. And all in the service to the Kingdom of Mog.
And i'm sorry, but that feels really shitty....
