F is for Forgotten

In honor of this upcoming Christmas Season i give you....

Macauley Culkin handled his situation with remarkable aplomb in Home Alone, but that was just a movie.  Truth is, in real life none of us ever wants to feel forgotten.  After all, to be forgotten means that we never had any impact.  That the things we worked and sacrificed for weren't important or lasting.  That what we did didn't matter.


That we didn't matter.


So it is that one of the most difficult things i've had to face in this journey of recovery has been that feeling of being forgotten.  Being fired from my job and cast out of my church was a very difficult and painful experience.  And i've certainly spent a few nights crying into my proverbial beer over that.  But being completely ignored by everyone in leadership as well as most of the congregants after my departure has left a much deeper wound.

Perhaps the deepest wound of all has come from the Mog himself.  It is difficult to feel forgotten by someone with whom you thought you had a close relationship.  It is perhaps more difficult to deal with being willfully forgotten by that person.  It's not just that there has been no attempt at contact or communication.  It's not just that your memory is being allowed to fade.  

It's that you are being erased.

Of course the reason the Narcisisstic Mog finds it so easy to erase me from his memory is that to him this isn't personal.  After all, i was never really a person anyway.  I was just a tool to be used so long as it suited his desires and once my apparent usefulness had ended i was a waste of time and energy that was best thrown away; best forgotten.  In fact i'm quite certain that if i were to engage the Mog in a conversation regarding this, he would likely find my attitude quite inexplicable.

[yeah, this is a pretty accurate portrayal honestly]

Recently it occurred to me that perhaps the Mog had one final inadvertent lesson to give me.  While it is difficult to give the man credit for teaching me anything [really difficult], i do think there is a useful and powerful lesson for me to gain from all this.

The Mog knows that people that he is finished using are best removed from memory; best left in the past.  After all, what use are they to him anyway?  All they really stand to do is get in the way of where he wants to go.  They're nothing but dead weight.

Yes, sometimes some people are best left in the past and forgotten.  The Mog has certainly made it clear he has forgotten me.

Perhaps it's time for me to return the favor.

F is for Feels

I cannot begin to explain how much I have NOT wanted to write this post.  Nothing says Me Me Me more than someone who has been spiritually abused whining about how it made them feeeel…  Ugh.  

The problem is that if we ignore the pain inflicted in service to the Kingdom of Mog we simply empower Mogs to keep on abusing others and causing more pain.  And since that pain inevitably leads to talented committed Christians withdrawing from the work of the Church, the ultimate loss to the Kingdom of God cannot be overstated.  So, with much trepidation I find myself setting out to tell you how I feeeel….

There is literally no one more skilled at finding and exploiting emotional weakness than a Narcissistic Mog.  And my Mog was particularly skilled at finding and exploiting weakness.  In my case, he zeroed in on my artistic temperament and it’s inherent insecurity.  And there is no artistic pursuit better suited to implanting insecurity than singing.

And so the Mog never missed an opportunity to judge my singing as inadequate.  One of his favorite techniques was to say that a particular part of a song “wasn’t working” without giving any particular explanation of why or what I should do about it, thereby introducing insecurity and fear without the possibility of resolution.  These attacks were relentless.  Even when he gave praise it was backhanded.  “You actually sounded pretty good on that song”.  In one specific case he actually pulled me from singing a song 10 minutes before a service began.  “That sounds horrible.  What were you thinking?”  The end result of this relentless assault has been that I am now terrified to do in public something that I formerly took great joy in.  

Now is it a calamity that Brian doesn’t want to sing for people?  Obviously no.  I’m not that big a deal.  But it's not about singing.  It's about finding someone's weakness and then exploiting it for all it's worth.  The genius of this approach is illustrated perfectly in the quote above.  "What were you thinking?"  Once the Mog had convinced me that my ability to self analyze was compromised he owned me.  From there it's a short trip to me questioning my leadership decisions, my life decisions, and even my ability to think rationally at all.

Now after several years of this indoctrination i am fired and then rejected by my church "family" without ever even being given a reason.  It's not hard to see how i would inevitably fill in the blanks with self blame and self loathing.  And while my logical intellect rejects such things, my emotional self has absorbed it's lesson well.  I can't trust my intellect.  I can't trust my own self-analysis.

And so here i am.  It's been a year and half since i was cast out of the Kingdom of Mog.  And i still feel all the feelings that the Mog worked so hard to implant in me.  Self loathing.  Inadequacy.  Uselessness.  And a complete lack of confidence in my own ability to see and understand reality.  Sure, i talk a good game around other people.  But deep down that's where i am.

Don't worry.  I’m not that fragile.  And I will recover.  At least to some degree.  Eventually.  But what a waste.  What an unnecessary exercise. And while the loss of myself in all this is stupid and tragic, the knowledge that I am one of VERY many in just my local community is devastating. 

So many have lost so much.  And all in the service to the Kingdom of Mog.  

And i'm sorry, but that feels really shitty....

F is for Fear

All Covert Narcissistic Mogs share a common problem.  Once their church grows past about 100 people, they need other people around them to carry out their will and expand their power.  Unfortunately, people close to them invariably see at least glimpses of who they really are.  And so all successful Mogs also share a common skill.  They are all Master Manipulators.  And there is no better weapon in the Master Manipulator's toolbox than fear.

But there's a fine line between Fear and Terror, and terrorized people eventually flee.  No, to succeed he must instill just the right amount of fear.

There are several ways to go about abusing people with just the right amount of fear.  One way is what i call the Long Leash Yanking Method.  The trick is to show approval and encouragement at first. ["As usual, this Sunday's service was wonderful, Brian.  You're doing an amazing job! ]  This can go on for some time and then, when the target becomes comfortable, simply yank back the chain abruptly. ["This Sunday's service was atrocious! What were you thinking?  I went home and was physically ill thinking about how we had subjected the people in the congregation to such a painful experience!"] It's even more effective when the yank comes without warning and at seemingly random times.  Now any dog trainer will tell you this is a pretty poor way to train a dog.  It rarely succeeds in instilling actual obedience.  But take it from someone who endured this technique from my Mog many times, it certainly does succeed in instilling fear.

Public ridicule is another very effective "Leash Yanking" technique..  I remember well a staff meeting where a staff member shared a decision she had made regarding the vendor for our church's cleaning supplies [yeah, life and death stuff here].  Well, this staff member had taken the ill-considered liberty of making this vitally important decision without first consulting the Mog.  Oh, the Humanity!  And so the Mog proceeded to give that staff member a severe dressing down in front of the whole staff.  "What were you thinking?"  "How could you have made such a stupid decision?"  and "Don't EVER make such a decision in the future without consulting me first!"  The rant went on for at least ten minutes during which time everyone got the message Loud and Clear.  We were free to make our own decisions so long as we NEVER chose to do anything differently than The Mog Way.

Another favorite tactic for instilling just the right amount of fear  was the Veiled Threat.  This took a rather insidious form during many staff meetings as the Mog and several of his closest Mogettes would recount stories from the old days.  These invariably included stories of the departure of former staff members.  One story that got recounted many times involved firing a 'disloyal' senior staff member while he was on vacation so that he returned to find his desk cleaned out and his belongings in a box in the hall.

No notice.  No warning.  Nothing.

Mog and The Mogettes thought the story was hilarious.  The rest of the us did not. The implication was clear.  You may think your job is safe and everything is great, but one misstep and you could be next. In fact, i actually confronted the Mog about this very thing and told him how his regaling everyone with that story made me feel as though i was going to come in some Monday morning to find my desk cleaned out and my job gone.  He assured me that my fears were completely unfounded and ludicrous.  Within three months of that conversation i came in on a Monday morning and was told that that was my last day.

No notice.  No Warning.  Nothing.

I cleaned out my own desk.

F is for Family

When i was working at the local 'Church of the Mog', every Christmas season the church staff would gather for a Christmas party and a time of reflection on the year that had passed and the year ahead.   During this time someone invariably would remark how they felt like our church staff was like a Family and many heads would nod in agreement.  Obviously we weren't blood related, but we were all there for the same reason; to 'help people reach their full redemptive potential in Christ' .  This created a bond between us that was in many ways stronger than a 'blood related' family.

It's only recently that i've grown to discover there are actually two kinds of Non-biological Families:

The first is a group united around a Common Goal.  In general, the members of this family are self-selecting; that is they choose to join this family.  They belong to this family because they have chosen to pursue the shared goals of that group and they will continue to belong as long as they wish.  For example, a member of an Army platoon will remain a member of that platoon even after he has left the service.  I like to call this family type the Foxhole Family.

The second is a group united around a Common Leader.  This members of this family are generally NOT self-selecting.  While someone may desire to become a member of this family, they do not become members until they have been chosen by the leader.  And they only continue to be members of this family so long as their loyalty to the leader remains.  The movie 'The Godfather' illustrates this type of family quite well.  If you're loyal to The Don, you're in the Family forever.  But if the Don questions your loyalty, you can be 'removed' from the family [to put it nicely].  I call this family type the Mafia Family.

When i first went to work at the church, i thought i had chosen to join a 'Foxhole Family'.  I thought i had enlisted in the mission of bringing Jesus to the world.  But i was wrong.  I had been recruited to join a 'Mafia Family'.  I had become a 'made man' in the Mog's Family.  And i never even knew it.

The Truth of what kind of family i joined has come into clear focus in the year following the Mog's decision to remove me from his Mafia Family.  As a result of his decision i lost my job, my vocation, and my entire community.   In short i lost nearly everything i was living for.  It was also no secret that i was a recovering addict with a history of clinical depression.  This is an obvious recipe for disaster.  And yet in the last year the entire staff [including most notably the "Care" Pastor] has basically completely ignored me*.  Much like the Mafia Family from 'The Godfather' i have 'become dead to them'.  The reason for this is obvious.   The Don [Mog] has spoken.  And only a fool goes against the wishes of the Mog...

I had thought that this Family i had joined was a Foxhole Family united in a common goal; serving Jesus and building Christlike character.  And what better way to illustrate Christlike character than to reach out in love to a suffering co-laborer in Christ.  Instead it would seem that this Mafia Family is simply united around a common Mog.  Tragically, from their actions in this matter i can only conclude that this Mafia Family is more concerned with following the Mog than they are with following Jesus.  Even more tragically, i doubt most of them even realize it...

*i did receive one very kind note from a staff member.  i would name her here, but sadly i'm afraid of what repercussions she might face as a result.

F is for FAQ..

When i set out to write this blog, i knew there would be people that would think less of me as a result.    Since i already knew the kinds of things that were being said about me already, i was and am perfectly willing to accept that.  One of the oldest defenses in the world against inconvenient truth is to shoot the messenger.   i don't like it, but i understand it goes with the territory.

However, the one thing i did underestimate is the degree to which my motivations would be misunderstood.  So as much as i really don't want to make myself the focus of this blog, here's a little FAQ for those who aren't sure what this is all about.

1.  Is this just all because you're bitter and seeking revenge?  

The dictionary defines bitterness as [a person feeling] angry, hurt, or resentful because of one's bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment.  I've certainly experienced my share of these feelings, and i'm sure i haven't completely divested myself of them yet.  But that's not what's driving me to speak out.  And believe me when i say that i know enough intimate details about the people involved in this situation to exact significant personal revenge.  But that would be neither God-honoring nor helpful to me or anyone else.

2.  Couldn't this be handled better in private?  

The Matthew 18 conflict resolution model declares that we should first confront in person, then with another, then to the church.  I can assure you that i have confronted the Mog on every issue i raise in this blog multiple times without resolution.  I can also assure you that i have brought my concerns to the Mog with another pastor of the church again without any resolution.  My next Biblical step is to bring it to the church.  Since i have been cast out of the the Mog's church i have no other way to share it with that body than to declare it openly in public.  It is also my desire to share it openly with The Greater Church so that other church leaders and members can learn from my experience and  grow from it as well.

3.  Aren't you concerned with what affect this will have on your reputation?  

No, not really.  I have lived through some pretty difficult things and have survived a damaged reputation more than once.  I'm certain that those who know me will always know who i am.  And, of course, God knows the truth as well.

4.  Aren't you worried you'll never get another church job again?  

In short, no.  I have a close friend who has experienced much of the same things i have in his ministry career, but he cannot speak up out of fear for what that would mean for his future employment.  However, I am in the unique position of having had a successful career before i ever became a full-time church staff member.  I've already returned to that career and am doing just fine.

5.  Aren't some of the things you say Libelous?  

Well, in legal terms the best defense against a libel suit is The Truth.  In my blog i am very careful to distinguish between Facts that i can support with evidence or personal experience and my Personal Opinions, which i am of course free to express thanks to the First Amendment.  


So, why do this at all?  The answer is actually really simple.  Too many Mogs have gotten away with abusive practices for too long.  The abused endure it until they cannot and then they leave or are shown the door.  But due to a Christian culture of silence as well as people's reluctance to speak out for fear of losing their financial security or their status in the community none of this ever comes to light.  I'm in the unique position of being able to do something about that.

On the day he fired me the Mog told me that once he had informed the music team of my dismissal i was "free to speak to whomever i wanted about whatever i wanted".  He told me that he knew i would "share my version of the truth" and that was fine with him.  I'm just taking him at his word.

F is for Follow

One of the Mog's favorite sayings is "Everyone is Following Someone".  He goes on in his message closing nearly every week to say that "at 23 years of age" he chose to follow Jesus and then encourages his audience to do the same.  But my close interactions with the man for nearly ten years lead me to believe that he has little interest in whether his staff is following after God; he cares only that they follow after Him.

Just a few weeks after i started working at the Mog's church the Operations Director pulled me aside after a staff meeting with an incredulous look on her face.  "How do you get away with saying no to him?", referring to my willingness to disagree with the aforementioned Mog.  I found the question very odd.  After all, when i was hired the Mog had assured me that healthy discussion between himself and the staff was always encouraged.  And i took him at his word.  As i would see after i'd worked there a while, the staff already knew better.

After i had been working at the Mog's church for a few years it was decided that the staff would participate in an anonymous Best Christian Workplaces survey designed to evaluate the overall health of the staff culture.  I thought this was a great idea and said so to the Mog, although i cautioned him that the results might surprise him since i knew the kinds of things the staff said about him when he wasn't around.  But when the results came in, i was the one with the big surprise.  It seemed that the only one willing to answer honestly on an anonymous survey was me.  Apparently the staff knew what i did not.  To the Mog, 'anonymous' doesn't mean what you think it means.

Two months later i sat in the Mog's office along with the Mogette [i'll get to her in some future posts i'm sure] for my employee evaluation.  In that meeting i made it clear that i absolutely loved my job. But i also made it clear that working with the Mog was often very challenging.  While i had hoped this would spark some great discussion on how to improve our working relationship, instead i was witness to a truly epic red faced rant [more on this later as well] during which i was asked point blank if i had been the one to give the less than positive responses on the anonymous BCW survey that was specifically designed to "Discover the Health of your Organization".  I'm going to pause a second to let that sink in...

Yes, you read that right.  The Mog actually made me reveal my answers to an anonymous survey specifically designed to gauge the health of the Staff Culture he was leading.  ummm...  what?

So i learned a lot in my time with the Mog and his staff.  And he's right, everyone is following someone.  And the Mog's staff knows full well who they better follow.  Otherwise they might end up Just.  Like.  Me.



[Note:  To the staff members that have chosen to distance themselves from me now due to this blog...  I understand.  I have bills to pay too...]

F is for Finances

A Prosperity Gospel Preacher by the name of Creflo Dollar [yes that is his real name] recently made headlines by asking his congregation to give sacrificially to raise 60 Million Dollars so that they could "assist us in acquiring a Gulfstream G650".  For those not familiar with such things, a Gulfstream G650 is a 65 million dollar private Jet.  This was apparently necessary because Dollar's old private jet had been damaged and so it needed to be replaced.  Not surprisingly, the uproar over this request was significant, and when the outrage went viral all references to the campaign for the jet were quietly removed from the his church's website.

Now people have been getting rich in the name of Jesus for a lot of years and while this is obviously an extreme case, it is by no means the most dangerous.  No, most financial abuse in the Christian church takes a much quieter and more insidious path.  Sure, sometimes it is Pastors lining their pockets for their own gain.  But far more often it takes the form of Poor Financial Stewardship caused by Arrogant Leadership.  In fact, i would argue that Church Leaders making Foolish and Selfish financial decisions with churchgoers' money costs the Christian church far more every year than the obvious shysters like Crenflo Dollar.

In the case of my former employer, their poor financial stewardship certainly fits this pattern.  For instance, my employee compensation package when i was dismissed from my position totaled about 90k and i didn't hold a pastoral position or have a college degree.  It doesn't seem far-fetched to imagine that those with greater seniority or pastoral positions [which is nearly everyone else on staff] would certainly have higher compensations than mine.  When you consider that the median household income for the area is around 60k it would seem that this Mog is very generous with his church member's money.  It also makes me wonder exactly what or who he's attempting to buy.

In the Fall of 2013, a Capital Campaign was run to raise funds to 'improve the technology in the main auditorium' as well as a few other smaller projects at this same church.  Over 180 Thousand dollars was raised.  Some money went to new vehicles and building repairs, but the bulk of that amount of money went to the aforementioned technology upgrades.  I think if i were a member of a church that spent this much money on improving the Sunday Morning Experience i would want to be able to notice actual improvement.  And if i didn't see that, i think i would be asking some hard questions to the leadership about where all that money went.

Which brings us around to today.  At the request of one of my blog readers, I took a few moments to view my former church's online service today, and much like the obvious prosperity charlatans like Crenfro Dollar, i see the Mog of this church on his stage imploring people to give to his ministry and, in my opinion, misusing Scripture to do so.  In this case, the Mog used Luke 16:9 to say that by giving to his church you will enable others to come to Christ and they will, at some future time in heaven, welcome you into their 'eternal homes' as some kind of thank you for your gift.  Now, i am not qualified to give an authoritative interpretation as to this passage actually means [of course this particular Mog isn't really either], but i would encourage anyone reading this to go find Luke 16 and read what it actually says and compare it with his interpretation.  Personally, I think that this Mog is venturing dangerously close to abusing Scripture to finance his own personal kingdom.  And if he can bend Scripture to feed his bloated church budget, how different is he really from the guy that bends it to buy a Private Jet?

[ Special thanks for Radio Free Babylon for the use of their awesome comic.  www.facebook.com/radiofreebabylon ]

F is for Flawed

It's amazing what kind of justifications people will make for an abusive Mog.

"He's just an introvert."

"He loves people, just not in person."

"He's such a gifted teacher."

"Even Pastors aren't Perfect.  He's just flawed."

After i'd been inside the Reality Distortion Field long enough, i even found myself making the same kinds of excuses.  I told people that he was just a 'different kind of pastor'; that not all pastors had to be 'People people'.  I theorized that he was just incompetent when it came to dealing with people.  As if being just incompetent made it all okay.

And then i was forcibly ejected from the Inner Circle and slowly things became a little clearer.

As i cast about for support in those first few months my expectations were fairly low.  I never expected anyone to really believe my recounting of events.  I expected most people to listen politely and then counsel me to see 'both sides'.  I expected some version of 'he can't be that bad'.

I was wrong.  Many had 'heard things' about the way this Mog treated people.  Some had first hand accounts of being emotionally abused and manipulated.  And the better the people i spoke with knew him, the worse the descriptions got.  Words like Abusive, Arrogant and even 'Thug' [seriously!].  The word Narcissist was used several times by people who were qualified to really know what that descriptor means.  And from more than one Area Pastor i heard nothing more than 'it's a good church', which spoke volumes.

In talking with dozens of people i never heard a single person even preface their negative comments with 'he's a good man, but...'.  In point of fact, i never heard anything positive at all.  Literally.  Not One. Single. Thing.

It's a strange feeling when you realize that as negative as your opinion of someone is, that others actually consider him to be much worse.

In this last year, while i was learning the reputation of this sadly typical Mog, i have also had the privilege of getting to know several True men of God.  Some are Pastors, some are laymen, but all are examples of what a Flawed Follower of Christ actually looks like.  The one quality these men all have in common is they humbly acknowledge their failings as well as their struggles to overcome them.  Perhaps the most refreshing was the Local Pastor who admitted that, while he had certainly tried not to, he knew he had hurt some people in his church and it pained him greatly.  His acceptance of responsibility for his failings as well as the steps he has taken to never make those same mistakes again are a true example of who i want to become.

While this year has been a tough one, it has also been a breath of fresh air.  As one of the men of God i spoke of above told me, "you weren't fired, you were delivered".  I couldn't agree more.

It's also been nice to have a Godly Man influence my life for a change...

F is for Focus

It was about ten years ago.  I was living in a one room apartment over an old plantation house in Maryland.  My life was a mess.  Years of substance abuse and chaotic living had left me alone and feeling empty.  I knew my life lacked focus.  I knew something was missing.  I just wasn't sure what it was.

It was another ‘Come to Our Church! We’re Different and We’ll Change Your Life!’ sign stuck in the median on a Sunday Morning.  I had grown up in church but i hadn’t been anywhere regularly in years.  The thought occurred to me that maybe i should change that.  Couldn’t hurt.  Might help.

And so it was that several weeks later, on my way home from my ‘first choice’ church i decided to stop by another church i had planned to check out at some point.  The elementary school cafeteria didn’t impress much, but the standing room only crowd certainly did.  There was something going on here.  I was intrigued.  The Kansas cover as special music sealed it.  This was a place i had to learn more about.

And so i did learn more.  And there was a lot to like.  Solid music program, Dynamic teaching, and Truth balanced with a spirit of Grace in a way that i had not ever experienced before.  Exactly the kind of place that a messed up guy like me needed.

And so it was that even as a still struggling addict and alcoholic i found himself attending my ‘second choice’ church regularly, and even playing in the band.  And i quickly found myself becoming an integral member of the most amazing community of people i've ever known.

Over the next several years i gradually progressed from a band member, through a part-time staff member, to eventually being named the full-time Creative Arts Director of the church, a job i had dreamed of having since i was teenager.  And it was, without a doubt, the best job i have ever had in my life.

It would be easy to dismiss the things i write here as the work of a disgruntled ex-church worker who just wants to toss grenades over his shoulder on his way out the door.  The reality is just the opposite.  I LOVE my church.  This church literally helped save my life.  I loved serving it’s people, my music and tech teams, and my fellow staff members.

No, my purpose in sharing my experiences is not to destroy this church, it’s to build up The Church.  Too many Mogs have gotten away with far too much spiritual abuse.  Too many victims have remained silent for fear of ‘creating division within the Kingdom’.  Too many people have been bullied or shamed into silence, or been mesmerized by the Reality Distortion Field.

I’m aware that mine is just one small voice ‘crying in the wilderness’.  I’m aware that i’m not likely to right the wrongs of this church, or the Evangelical Church with my tiny little blog.  Throwing back a few stranded starfish on a beach covered with them might not 'make a difference' in the grand scheme of things.  But it just might save a few...

F is for Field

F is for Field.  As in 'Reality Distortion Field'.

That's what the folks who worked with Steve Jobs in the early days of Apple called the bizarre force of nature that was Jobs' persuasive ability.  There would be a handful of engineers slaving away on a project that they knew without a doubt would take them at least six weeks to complete.  These were experienced and brilliant men.  Their projections were informed and accurate.  And yet Jobs would happen by their workplace and proclaim that they would be done in eight days.  And suddenly, to a man, they would 'know' that it would be completed in eight days.

And the strangest part of all is that it would actually be completed in eight days.

Steve Jobs was a lot of things.  An inventor, an innovator, an admittedly Not Very Nice Guy.

He was also a Mog.

So just what is a Mog?  Well, in my previous post you may recall i used the longer phrase, 'Man of god'.  Steve Jobs was a Man of god?  Well, the capitalization is no accident.  In this rendering Man becomes the focus,  god becomes secondary.  In Steve Jobs' case the god he followed after was likely none other than Jobs himself.  In point of fact, the god that the Mog is following after is almost always none other than the Man himself.

Few pastors start out as Mogs.  But a surprising number of them seem to end up there.

Mark Driscoll may have begun as a moG.  But he clearly ended up as a Mog.

Now i don't know much about Mark Driscoll or his church, but i do know that everything i've read about the rise and fall of his ministry sounds very familiar to me.  In fact, i think the only real difference between Mark 'The Mog' Driscoll and the Mog i worked for is that Mark Driscoll is considerably more talented at what he does.  Otherwise, the Arrogance, the Emotional Abuse, the Ministry exalted above the Ministered To?  Yes, it is all Very Familiar to me.

And yet Mogs often seem very successful at ministry.  How can this be?

Well, the one thing that all Mogs seem to have in common is a mastery of the wonder that is the Reality Distortion Field [let's call it RDF since we're shortening things].  It surrounds the successful Mog, drawing everyone into it's alluring aura.  Staff, Church Attenders, Family Members, and eventually even the Mog himself.  I once was told by a senior staff pastor who had known our Mog for many years that his only real gifting was 'his overwhelming ability to persuade'.  Not Shepherding.  Not Discernment and Wisdom.  Nope.  Just the gift of the RDF.

So, Mog has no College or Biblical education?  No problem.  Apply RDF.  Mog is on his third wife but still preaching about 'biblical relationships'?  No worries.  RDF.  Mog's salary is well over twice the median income of his community?  More RDF.  Mog operates autocratically with little to no accountability?  RDF.

Mog fires skilled and highly productive staff members without warning or explanation?

Whatever.  Plenty of RDF left to go around...

F is for Fired

"i'm sorry to tell you this, but today is your last day working here..."

I'm sure many who read this have heard those words, or some version of them, before.  Perhaps many times.  This wasn't the first time i've felt that tightening in the pit of my stomach and i realized that things were going to Be Different now, whether i liked it or not.

But this was a Very Different different.

These words were spoken by the same person who had called me just weeks before to apologize for how our earlier meeting had gone, saying that he "didn't want me to be worried about my job or anything".  The same voice that told me he "didn't see any reason why two Godly men couldn't figure out a way to work together".

I admit, it had been Difficult working for this 'Man of god' over the last few years.  We had certainly had our share of disagreements, and earlier that very day had been another of those times.  But his words filled me with hope.  I sent him an email that very night thanking him for his apology and promising to pray for him daily and for us as we worked toward a new future together.  He replied immediately saying he was touched by my words.  Things were moving in a great direction.  I just knew that with us working toward our common goals, it was going to be a Great Year for our Church.

Several weeks passed and we were never able to revisit our conversations, but i saw no reason for concern.  Ministry is a busy occupation.  These things happen.  I was buried in a new Tech Upgrade for the church.  He was occupied with 'other things'.  [It was only later that i came to know that those 'other things' were lining up my replacements in advance of firing me.]

And then i got the call to come into his office on that Monday, and i just knew something was Not Good...

"Do you have any questions?" he said.

"well, yes i do but it's not really going to make any difference is it?"

"no", he said, "It won't".

The rest of the meeting was mostly him telling me how much better it was to do this suddenly without me knowing about it ahead of time; how i didn't understand it today but it was easier this way.  It's been 365 todays.  I still don't understand.

He also told me repeatedly how difficult the last few weeks had been for him while he kept this from me; as if me knowing his discomfort was ending would somehow make my next several months of pain and uncertainty easier to bear.

He never actually told me why i was fired.  I never asked.  I knew it really didn't matter.

Paperwork.  Legal Stuff.  Various blurry details.

And it was done.  I had given my life to this church, to this man's ministry, and now it was over.  i was cast out.  The man who had told me so many times before that he was "For" me was done with me.  No explanation.  Just a weak "i'm sorry" lobbed at my back as i walked out of his office.

The rest of that day was mostly spent gathering all my personal belongings from the building while trying not to notice that the entire church staff was avoiding me.

And then two days of enforced silence wherein i was forbidden to share my situation so that He could be The One to tell My teams what had happened...  So that He could explain to everyone what a Good Thing this was going to be and how Good and Fair and Generous he had been to me.

Which they didn't believe.  Since they knew me.  And they also knew this 'Man of god'.  And since it was, of course, a Complete and Total Lie.

The story continued of course.  But that's enough for today.